Friday, August 31, 2007

Depression: It's depressing.

When I first learned that Owen Wilson had attempted suicide, my heart went out to him. I am not a particular fan of Wilson's, but suicide attempts always, always get to me. Years ago, I went through some dark days myself. Therefore, I am well acquainted with that pressing sense of despair and loss of hope for the future. I remember lonely nights spent planning and contemplating. The Note was written, but not sent. Fortunately, I was able to work through it. And I certainly hope Wilson does.

One thing I am extremely grateful for in my life right now is my children and my husband. I don't think the days are going to darken to the extent where I will be writing The Note - I won't let it get to that extent because I DO have hope. After all, I see The Future every single day in a certain pair of brown-hazelish gemstone eyes. And now, a second set of eyes have upped the ante in this poker game of Life.

But still. The sadness lingers. I saw the doctor today for my post-partum checkup and it was a bit of a disaster coordinating the kids what with their crying and all. I ended up crying myself and I did admit that I've been struggling emotionally lately. Fortunately, my doctor knows me well enough to know when I am serious. At one point, I confessed that I feel guilty for being so damned sad when I don't have any real problems. I have several friends right now who do have real problems. Why am I being such a wimp about this? She pointed out that "depression doesn't know problems".

I left the office with a prescription for Zoloft.

I am not happy about this, but I am also not happy about being Not Happy. Still. I am hesitant to just immediately start popping pills. I looked at the side effects for Zoloft and am leery of some of them. I am going to think about it over the weekend, but at this point, I am thinking I would rather concentrate on getting my lifestyle in order with more exercise and better eating.

At a minimum, I think some chocolate covered Choxie Pistachios are in order.


Monkey McWearingChaps said...

Hugs. I wish I were there so I could look after double A so you and X could just go out for a few hours. No coordination...just you and shopping or coffee housing or whatever you wanted. I promise you that if we ever live in the same zipcode I'll definitely extend a helping hand.

You are doing a great job-I just want to tell you that I really see that. SAHM-ing isn't a piece of cake, it's like being producer of a big movie!! And you can't even fire your starlets!!!

Again, hugs and support from moi.

Mamma Sarah said...

Hugs!! I too promise if we live in the same zip code some day that I will extend that helping hand. Who doesn't need that afternoon to go get an expensive coffee, snuggle down in some chair somewhere other than home and do some serious reading (or sleeping). :-)

Jenn said...

*sigh* sorry to hear that. During my last pregnancy and also during this one I've always worried about the dreaded PPD. It's such a hard thing to cope with and realy as you said, you don't have to have any REAL issues for it to hit you. But that being said, it's a REAL THING!!

Hope it gets better for you.

p.s. Will the Zoloft affect your breastfeeding at all?

Average Jane said...

Hey wait a minute - I do live in the same general zip code area. What would you say to a little free babysitting on Sunday or Monday afternoon?

Anjali said...

Big, warm, cuddly bear hugs to you.

Leah said...

Just wanted to let you know I'm keeping you in my thoughts. There's no quota on how much sadness you're allowed to feel. You can be sad even if other people are sad too. :)


Mojavi said...

hey- they wanted to put me on Zoloft too, but I found that talking about it and knowing what you have made me feel ten times better... plus what about nursing and zoloft? also if you quit nursing you might get worse, actually that is what happened to my friend. Nursing gives you all those hormones that keep the scary monster just far away enough.. anyway I am free tons this week coming up and maybe if you have more company it will take your mind off of it.

Christy said...

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but of course I can't. I'll be thinking of you and sending good vibes your way.

aibee said...

Hugs from me too. I wish I could help. Trite, but very, very true.

caro said...

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this. I know there's a lot to sort out with the meds, and I'm not sure what I even think of it for myself, so I've got no advice in that arena, but I know that counseling has helped me a lot (even though I didn't think it would).

I also think it's very hard to sort out what's depression and what's a completely normal reaction to a super hard situation. I mean, you have two tiny kids in the house. One or the other is probably screaming at you all day long; they probably seldom if ever both sleep at once. You are exhausted and can barely eat breakfast. Oh, and also, this is supposed to be one of the most blessed and lovely times of your life. Clearly there is no shame here in feeling a little mentally under the weather.